Maybe if you listened, you’d get it right

Nothing angers me more than people who screw something up simply because they couldn’t be bothered to listen to what somebody else has to say. If you don’t have the skills to perform a task, then that’s one thing, but to completely ignore your instructions because you’re either stupid, lazy, ignorant – or all three, in some kind of jackass trifecta – well, that’s a horse of a different colour.

Take Monday, for example. At a local coffee shop, I ordered two things, a coffee and a gingerbread cookie. I ordered them in that order, in a clear voice. Or at least I attempted to.

“I’ll have one large coffee and one ginger–”

And then off the coffee merchant ran, turning her back on me completely. And while I appreciate her urgency in getting me my morning coffee, I did not want this coffee returned to me with a milk, sugar and a shot of ginger flavour, which is apparently a new holiday special. Because Christmas or not, that’s friggin disgusting.

Furthermore, if I complain – and also ask where the hell my cookie is – don’t mumble and complain about how you didn’t hear me and now your life is that much worse because you have to make a second debit transaction to fix the error. JUST GIVE ME A NEW COFFEE AND A GOD DAMN COOKIE!!

And be pleasant while you do it. Or if not pleasant, at least don’t be a complete ass. I mean, you’re the genius who screwed up in the first place.

STOP HELPING

Next time you think you are helping someone by doing something for them without being asked, stop for a second and think if you really are helping them. Because you might actually be making a giant mess.

Maybe you’re “helping” by organizing someone’s desk while they’re on break. Maybe you’re “being nice” by throwing away what looks like garbage in someone’s car. Well, don’t. I know you want to feel needed and useful but people are fully capable of running their own lives. At best, you’re prying and annoying. At worst, you are literally ruining their lives.

To put it politely, it’s not necessary and thanks but no thanks.

To put it bluntly, STOP MESSING WITH MY SHIT.

If people want your help they’ll ask for it. Until then, mind your own business. (Besides, don’t you have anything better to do?)

No Egg Means NO FUCKING EGG!

Dear Stupid Moron at Tim Horton’s,

When I request a Sausage Biscuit without egg, DON’T GIVE ME A FUCKING EGG. Jesus Christ how hard is your job, you work at a goddamn Tim Horton’s and you can’t punch in a single breakfast sandwich order without mangling it. It wasn’t a complicated order, there was only two possibilities…with egg and without. AND YOU GOT IT WRONG.

Of course, this is the same Tim Horton’s where I ordered a muffin and they gave me a packet of butter and no knife. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised.

I was so disgusted at humanity (and the egg) that I wanted to just hurl the thing into the garbage.  However, I was too hungry. A woman from work (one of women mentioned in the last post) came into the kitchen as I was hunched over the trash scraping the disgusting processed mass into the bag and looked at me. I looked at her. She walked out without saying a word (I think my eyes screamed death) and I bitterly consumed the tainted sausage biscuit that will no doubt return like some ridiculous nemesis later in the day in the form of agonizing heartburn.

FML? F You, Jerk

There is nothing I hate more in the world right now than the phrase FML (Fuck My Life if you are blissfully and fortunately unaware.) The next time you hear someone say it just punch them in the face. Seriously. It is like an impulse reaction, I hear the phrase and my fists clench in barely suppressed, seething rage. I am sure there is an eye twitch happening, too. It’s douchey, it’s pretentious, and it’s just plain stupid.

Saying FML instantly tells me that you are a worthless, whiny human being. Go die in a fire.

What kind of person says FML?  I imagine they are one or more of the following:

• A fourteen-year old girl, possibly the only person who can get away with saying this
• A tool who thinks using internet lingo is the new cool hip thing to do; the new hipster
• A Twilight fan, probably the most common demographic to use this retarded phrase
• A stupid douchebag

If you are male and you say this, you deserve a swift kick in the balls.

Finally, take a look at the people who say FML. I guarantee you they are not someone who is legitimately hard-pressed in life. The only people that say FML are whiny attention whores who just want others to pour sympathy onto them because they don’t have enough twitter followers or because their hair stylist dyed their hair light electric mauve instead of lustrous ballroom indigo, or whatever the fuck stupid colors they want. I just want to throw them all down a flight of stairs.